Failed Revenge

Oh, guys! What should I do?

My neighbor has gone completely crazy!

I go fishing — he goes to my wife,

And if I'm home, he's a scoundrel

Checking my fishing nets

And takes all my catch…

I'll kill the bastard! God sees!

May your "little bitch" wither in your pants!

Well then! I kept thinking and wondering

And I was devising a plan for revenge…

So one Friday morning

I say to the neighbor: — Yeeeah!

The weather's pretty good today!

I'm going fishing, as always.

Kolya's eyes lit up,

Drool was already hanging on his lips…

I pretended to leave,

But waited in ambush myself,

When Kolya comes to my wife,

He'll get it from me!

I'm sitting in the closet, waiting for Kolya,

And cursing my wife.

Suddenly I hear — the front door slammed.

— Aha! He's here, the sly beast!

Now I must not rush, but wait,

Until they settle into bed…

Then ruin their whole buzz,

Break the bat over Kolya!…

They're laughing, whispering something.

How I want to beat the crap out of them!

But I hold back my anger —

Maybe I won't kill my wife!

Now the voices seem to have quieted

And I said to myself: — It's time!

I burst into the bedroom with a bat in my hands

And freeze in shock in the doorway…

A picture worthy of an oil painting: On the bed,

on her stomach, like on a sleeping platform

My naked mother-in-law lies,

groaning, almost farting…

And over her, my wife sighs —

Rubbing her lower back.

Turning at my knock,

Both were suddenly stunned.

They glance at me

Notice the bat in my hands.

And the question on their faces is —

The f... did I bring it for?

Irka covered her mother with a blanket

And asked: — What's wrong with you, you goat? Seriously?!

Have you lost your marbles, idiot?

I, stuttering, improvise:

Like, I'm offering my bat

To use as a rolling pin to roll

Over the lower back (damn it!)

— I'll show you rolling!

I'll break off your horns while I'm at it! —

Irka says to me angrily,

And fire burns in her eyes…

I run out of the house

Cursing my mother-in-law in my thoughts:

— What a bastard and scum!

Damn! Where did you come from?

With your sciatica, b...tch!

To screw up such a revenge plan!