"The Catcher in the Rye..." A Farewell

I love myself down to my fingertips,

And there's no reason to blame age.

If before, boys would turn their heads,

Now men look after me.

There is a belief—if you didn't manage to say something to a loved one, write it on paper, make an airplane, set it on fire, and launch it into the air. And that person will surely hear you.

"You know what confuses and stresses me? It's not about me, it's only about your well-being, health, and balance in your soul and life right now.

I'll tell you, whether you get angry or not, I'll endure it.

A year ago, or rather, more than a year ago, when we met, I saw an absolutely

calm, balanced, self-sufficient, strong man, which is exactly what attracted me. People don't change, that's true. But...

At some point, you got into a wheel, like a squirrel. Moreover, you jumped into this wheel, drove yourself there consciously, but alas, not everyone manages to get out of it. Construction, politics, work, mom, Shabbat, oh yes, also, it seems, a wife (well, she's somewhere, right)... And now you're spinning in it, and there's no way out.

But it's all simple. To stop in place. A year ago, you calmly planned your time, it was enough for everything, because you could consciously stop, freeze, even for a moment, but you could. And now you can't, you don't try, you don't want to.

Time flows differently for me and for you. I have little of it left, so I spend it wisely, I'm not in a hurry anywhere. And you have a lot ahead, so you rush, faster and faster. Faster for what? Why? Everything will happen at the right time, at the right hour, at the right minute. You just need to stop and think.

But you don't want to. In a rush, time flies faster, but also more wastefully, unfortunately. Work? It won't go anywhere. You don't have a Thursday when the newspaper comes out. I do. But... if I didn't manage to finalize the pages by 2 PM, I'll do it in an hour, nothing will change. The newspaper will still come out on Thursday.

If you didn't finish the car by 8 PM, you'll finish it at ten tomorrow morning. The world won't turn upside down. You're driving yourself into a corner, it's not even a wheel anymore.

I remember perfectly well the time when I was spinning myself. My head was spinning, but nothing was moving from its place. Just one day I stopped and told myself—enough. I won't run anywhere or after anything anymore. No, the problems didn't solve themselves, but solving them became easier.

Stop, just to catch your breath and think about how to live further. Thoughts will come on their own, and God will help.

Everything is adding up. The time has come, and the moment has arrived. Our relationship is going further and further into a dead end. This needs to be stopped for the common good. To free you from responsibility, which is extra for you, and me from obligations that don't allow me to live further.

Summer is coming soon. Another one, like the last, I won't survive. I want to live, today, now, this minute, not sometime later in the future. I have a future, but it's short. So spending it on mythical waiting is simply criminal. You didn't even have time for me in winter, let alone summer.

And to live further, you need to part with the past. No matter how hard it is. For something to appear, you need to free up space.

You have no idea how grateful I am to you for being in my life and, I hope, will still be. As paradoxical as it sounds, by bringing me to my knees, you firmly lifted me to my feet. I'm not talking about self-esteem. Mine has always been inflated. I'm talking about something else, more valuable and important.

You are the first and only man in my life who raised my sense of self-worth to the highest degree. Thanks to you, I saw myself differently, more significant, weaker and more defenseless, yet at the same time protected and strong in strong male hands. You became the standard of a man. Finding a second one like you is impossible. But now I know what to look for. Thanks to you, I gained confidence in myself and saw the path I need to follow.

No, it's not about Tema. There I gave my all, there's no further path. Further—only equal relationships. But I won't take off your ring, don't even hope!

I loved you and will love you. But to preserve these feelings, the time has come to leave. To leave everything as it is, like an unsung song, an unread book, like a conversation interrupted mid-sentence.

Only this way can we remain friends. Only this way can I support you in a difficult moment, if you want it. Well, for seven years for sure, maybe, God willing, longer.

I will be glad if you want to talk, write me something or call, or maybe even want to see me, I'll fly at the first call. I will be glad to be useful to you in something, to help if I can. But now I must step aside. It will be better for both of us. The Cat remains in your hands, she is a part of me, take care of her and remember that she connects us stronger than the whole world.

Forgive me for everything.

Love, kisses, Ya.

Obedient and devoted, still yours, slave, toy, thing, but now free.

PS: I'm writing all this by hand, only this way can the fullness of feelings, vitality be conveyed, only handwritten text holds the warmth of the soul, only it conveys the whole truth...

PSS: I have a small request for you—talk to me, please, at least sometimes, at least occasionally, at least one or two words.

I am so grateful to you for these rare conversations. (.org) When you call, my mood lifts. No, wings grow on my back. It becomes so light and free. It's as if I start living anew. Everything from the beginning, from a clean slate.

Talk to me... At least sometimes."

She folded an airplane from a sheet of paper, covered on both sides with small lines. Went out onto the balcony. A click of a lighter, and the paper tail of the airplane was reluctantly licked by flame. She held it in her hand as long as the fire allowed, without burning herself. And then, as in a cloudless childhood, launched it, burning, into the air. Ashes scattered through the air.

The morning began as usual with an alarm clock. Her head was free of thoughts, and life was starting over. For the umpteenth time? It doesn't matter...

"The one you really need shouldn't match your ideas. He will appear and destroy everything, and will be himself, as he is. And you will love him as he is." (Erich Maria Remarque).

D iаnа Tim Tаris, 05/08/2014