How I was broken
I want to tell you about my first time, how it happened, as it probably does for many beautiful girls against their will. Actually, it's horrible, and it, as I now understand, kills everything good and kind in you, that's how faith in light and in people dies...
It happened a couple of years ago. Back then, I was still a very good person, actually. I wanted to do good deeds and give everyone happiness. In general, I was a representative of the side of light and purity. On another Friday evening, as usual, I came with my friends to our favorite club. The friends I got from my ex-boyfriend. That is, initially they were his friends, and I
had only just moved to this city, and I had maybe a couple of acquaintances. Then I met Leshka, we started dating, and somehow gradually I quite organically blended into their fun company, becoming closer and closer with his friends. Then we broke up, but my very warm and good relationship with the guys didn't end, we hung out every weekend and had fun together.That's how it was that evening too. We were relaxing at the club as usual, laughing, joking, dancing, and, of course, consuming a fair amount of alcohol) In the end, I somehow miscalculated my strength and drank quite a bit too much. Sitting by the bar counter, I was gathering my thoughts on how to get up, pull myself together, go outside, catch a cab, and successfully get home. Honestly, this wasn't the first time it had happened to me, and getting home successfully in that state wasn't a problem. The most resilient ones remained with me: Dima and Zhenya, some of my ex's best friends. As for Dima, he had become a very good friend to me too, but Zhenya was more just an acquaintance, we somehow never really talked much, just were in the same company. When I really wanted to sleep, Zhenya took me by the hand and said it was time to go. I agreed, not quite grasping what he meant. Saying goodbye to Dimka, we went outside, Zhenya hailed a cab and put me in it. I was a little surprised, because Zhenya and I weren't going the same way.
— Zhen, where are we going? — I asked.
— To my place.
— What for?
— Well, I don't know, just because. You'll sleep at my place, tomorrow I'll see you off.
— Oh, okay, fine. — I somehow calmed down and put my head on Zhenya's shoulder. I couldn't even have a thought about what awaited me.
Zhenya led me into his place and closed the door. From the amount of alcohol I'd drunk, I was dimly aware of what was happening. Everything around seemed funny and unreal. I walked into the room, holding a bottle of beer in my hand and smiling enchantingly. What was happening for some reason caused a terrible thrill. Approaching the window, I took out a cigarette and tried to light it, but my coordination was clearly failing. And suddenly, I felt someone's hands on my stomach. Zhenya pressed me tightly against him. He started kissing my neck, his hands slid all over my body, and his breath burned my skin. It was so strange. I needed to break free, and I started trying to do so, but the guy only pressed me harder against him. A quiet panic began in me. I didn't know what to do, where to run, who to call for help: I was in a stranger's apartment, locked in, and besides Zhenya there was no one else here.
I turned to Zhenya. He looked intently into my eyes. That gaze held so much passion, so much sex and desire... I mentally hated myself for not understanding everything earlier and with all my strength started trying to somehow stop what was happening. I squealed, screamed, tried to hit him, but nothing worked for me. Zhenya wasn't going to stop. He roughly grabbed me by the hair and started forcibly kissing me on the lips. Then for me everything happened as if in a dream.
The guy started slowly undressing me. His hands stretched the buttons of the shirt. The light fabric slid over my shoulders and fell to the floor. Then he took off my skirt. I desperately tried to interrupt this, but couldn't, I completely belonged to Zhenya, and he could do whatever he wanted with me. And he, meanwhile, lowered the bra strap and kissed my shoulder. Then, finding the clasp on my back, he unfastened it and threw it on the floor. His hands and lips caressed my breasts. Then his hands went down my stomach. His fingers began to stroke my clitoris, caressing me, gently and at the same time roughly. Then he took off the last piece of my clothing and stepped back a few steps, looking me over from head to toe. I felt his burning gaze on my body with my whole skin, and he just stood there and smiled.
— Alena, you have no idea how all the guys dream about what I'm going to get now.
— Well, then you'll have one less dream, — I leaned slightly on the windowsill behind me and bent my right leg, resting it on the radiator, while looking at Zhenya mysteriously and proudly. I knew that right now, in the moonlight and naked, with my long hair loose, I was simply beautiful. And for some reason I thought that might stop him.
— You are not my dream.
— Then why do you need me?
— For a checkmark. You're insanely beautiful, but I don't like you.
I looked intently into his eyes with a searching gaze, trying to find there at least a drop of feeling, tenderness, anything that could justify what, I understood perfectly well, would happen between us. But in Zhenya's eyes there was only irony, indifference to everything in the world, and a burning cold. At that moment, something broke in my soul. My childish naivety, love for the world, for all living things, trust, innocence, faith in endless happiness, joy, and love — everything that I had so carefully preserved, sheltered from evil mundanity, tried to carry through all adversities, that goodness which I wanted to give to everyone-everyone on earth, died. I broke.
Zhenya continued to examine me intently and shamelessly. And I realized that I now hated him. And hated everyone. He didn't even realize what he had done. And I now absolutely didn't care what would happen next.
My mind grew foggy. I walked right up to him and kissed him insolently on the lips, unbuttoning his shirt. My lips went lower and lower, covering his body with kisses. I got down on my knees and started slowly unbuttoning his belt with my teeth. I certainly had no practice, but I had instincts. Having dealt with the task, I straightened up and looked into his eyes again.
— A C-minus, — Zhenya said arrogantly, lifting me up and sitting me on the windowsill.
Spreading my legs, he came right up close and started kissing me. His lips greedily dug into my body. I threw my head back and simply endured everything he did, endured someone else's hands, caressing me without tenderness, driven only by desire. How strange, like this, without love...
Zhenya squeezed my breast and started kissing my neck. Then he moved me even closer to him, spreading my legs wider and wider. At that moment I felt I had nothing more to lose and I became indifferent. I wrapped my legs around him, he smiled and entered me sharply.
His rough, monotonous movements became faster and faster. He threw his head back and breathed heavily. It lasted an eternity. I bit my lips to keep from crying from resentment for myself, for what he had done to me, for killing my faith in goodness, in the world, in good things, for penetrating my little bright world, trampling and destroying it there, throwing me into reality and leaving me all alone. I felt insanely lonely. And cold. I understood how a soul dies.
At that moment, Zhenya pressed me to himself with all his strength and came. After that, he smacked me on the cheek and left. And I was left alone in a completely unfamiliar, painfully alien room, absolutely naked and hating the whole world with myself at the head. Tears treacherously dripped from my eyelashes. I picked up my white shirt from the floor, climbed onto the windowsill with my legs, and lit a cigarette, looking at the bright and very distant alien stars shining into the alien window. I didn't want to think about anything, just looked
somewhere and smoked.
Zhenya came in, wrapped in a blue towel.
— Alena, no smoking here.
— I don't care, — I answered, continuing to look out the window.
— Want some whiskey?
— Yes...
Zhenya poured me a whole glass and brought it right to my lips.
— Drink.
— I'm not going to drink from your hands.
— You belong to me tonight, haven't you figured that out yet?
— Why did you choose me?
— You are the purest person I know. That's why I chose you...
— ... and broke me. I hate you! — tears ran down my cheeks, I turned away from Zhenya and lit another cigarette.
The guy smiled and put his hand on my shoulder.
— I don't care, tonight you're still mine, and I'll fully enjoy you, — Zhenya stroked my head and called tenderly, — Alena. Alena! — I didn't turn around. Then he took my face and turned it towards him.
— Silly, why are you crying?
— Why did you need all this? Why did you drag me here? You don't even like me!
— Yes, I adore you!
— Zhenya, you have no idea what you've done.
He didn't answer anything, silently kissed me, picked me up, and took me off the windowsill.
— Your shirt is see-through, — he said, setting me down on the floor in front of him.
— I don't care.
— You're very beautiful, Alena. Really.
— I know, — I raised my head proudly, looking him in the eyes.
Zhenya looked at me for a long time, then unbuttoned the shirt, moving the edge aside, and started stroking my breast. I realized the night wasn't over yet.
— Let's go to bed, — the guy said dully.
— No! Don't! I'm begging you! — I looked pleadingly at the one who was destroying me so simply because of his whim.
— Alena, stop. You'll like it, you'll see.
— But I don't want this!
I tried to remove his hands, but the guy only grabbed me harder, lifted me off the floor, and threw me on the bed.
— Enough! You came to the club today dressed like a slut, smiled at me yourself and danced, wiggling your ass in front of my eyes, you yourself agreed to come to my place. Sorry, but twenty minutes ago, when we were fucking, you did everything quite skillfully. And no one forced you. So don't play the victim here!
— But, at the club, that's just joking around. Zhenya, I flirt like that with many friends, especially when I'm drunk. It's just friendly flirting, nothing more!
— We are not friends. And your behavior is provocative.
At that, Zhenya interrupted our dialogue and lay down next to me, putting his hand on my stomach.
— Do you like me even a little? — I asked, already without emotion in my voice.
— No.
— Not at all?
— Well, in terms of having sex — yes, but I wouldn't date you.
Zhenya turned to me and started stroking my face. Then his hands went down, to my breasts. I felt warmth spreading in my lower abdomen. I liked his touches. I wanted these touches. Catching myself on that thought, I turned over on my other side. But Zhenya's hands continued to stroke my breast. Then one hand started going lower, even lower. I took a deep breath in anticipation. His fingers ended up between my legs. I bent one leg, and Zhenya continued with even more pressure. He came closer, putting four fingers inside me. It hurt a little, but at the same time was somehow strangely pleasant, I wanted him to continue. Then he turned me onto my back. I suddenly got scared again. I clenched my legs, while Zhenya's hands again stroked and squeezed my breasts.
— Alena, stop, you want this yourself.
He raised himself up and started stroking my legs, slowly spreading them. His fingers were again between my legs. With his other hand, he squeezed my breast harder. I realized how insanely I wanted him to enter me. And he did just that, quickly, roughly, and sharply. I felt him inside me, and understood that with every thrust, love, fidelity, honesty, goodness, and light were leaving me...